意志をもって増殖するリップクリーム

For international readers: An English version is available at the end of this post.

リップクリームは増殖しません。わたしはリップクリームを使い切る前になくす粗忽者として、三国にその勇名を馳せている。この前買ったばかりのリップもなくした。しょうがないので無印でリップを2つ買った。なくしたとき用の保険だ。完璧な作戦。なんという知略。

帰ったあと、ぼんやりと2つとも開封して同じ缶に入れた。そして、1つはすぐ使った。翌日気づいたが、2つとも開封したらどっちが新品かわからないじゃないの。なにしてんだ、あほうー。しかも、なくしたと思ったリップは床の変なところに落ちていた。これで開封済みのリップが一気に3つ。お前、このペースだと年末には3桁の大台に乗ることになるぞ。

こういうとき、素直に自分に驚く。なんでそんなことをするんだろう。わたしはとにかく、なんとなくで行動していることが多い。これをこうしたらどうなるのかを考えないで、適当に動いてしまう。その結果が増殖した3つのリップクリームだ。いや、増殖していない。ぼんやりと行動するな、という学びは当たり前すぎて、寓話としても弱すぎる。

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The Multiplying Lip Balm

Lip Balm Does Not Reproduce

Lip balm does not multiply on its own. I know this because I am a person who loses lip balm long before reaching the mythical event known as “using one up.” My reputation as a careless owner of lip balm is apparently known across three kingdoms.

I recently lost a brand-new one. Since this is a recurring feature of my life, I went to Muji and bought two replacements. One would be the actual lip balm. The other would serve as insurance against losing the first.

A flawless plan. The work of a master strategist.

After I got home, I absentmindedly opened both of them and put them in the same tin. Then I immediately started using one.

The next day, I realized something.

If you open both of them, you can no longer tell which one is the new one.

What exactly are you doing?

To make matters worse, the supposedly lost lip balm later turned up on the floor in a place so strange that I can only assume it had gone there out of spite.

So now I have three opened lip balms.

At this rate, I’ll be dealing with a triple-digit population by the end of the year.

Moments like this always leave me staring at myself in mild disbelief. Why do I do these things?

I tend to move through life on a vague current of “eh, probably fine,” without stopping to consider what will happen next. The result, in this case, is three opened lip balms occupying the same household.

The lesson is supposedly “pay attention before you do things.”

Unfortunately, that moral is so obvious it barely qualifies as a lesson. Even as a fable, it feels underdeveloped. A fox tricks a crow out of cheese. A tortoise beats a hare. I open two lip balms and immediately lose track of both.

It’s not exactly timeless wisdom.